Clearly I'm improved if the last time I posted was 3 Feb.10. The lingering limitations that will take a year to resolve remain odd. Though my home daily therapy takes about an hour, I feel like I am at a standstill though forge ahead. I DID put a pullover on last week so I'm back to my turtlenecks. Started back to the gym today for first time since 25 Nov. 09 - and there are many Pilates moves that are arm dependent so I'll have to develop alternate positions. I am walking the hills in Sudden Valley to regain endurance but fatigue and immune system remain big issues. I am sick of going to the Dr. but really live each day as though it was my first.
I ponder daily on the lessons I've learned and written about in these posts. Patience, humility, reliance on others, friendship, love. I am able to catch myself slipping, which generally revolves around patience or judgement. If you are in a committed relationship, the fact is it all boils down to the 2 of you. The outreach (and lack of!) from friends and family to support both me and Craig has been interesting.
My amazement at the support and love Craig has given me does not diminish. I am a touchy / feely kind of person, always 'whacking' people in the arms for emphasis during conversation, hugging when I greet, kissing those who allow. With this injury, everyone is afraid to touch you. While I suffered at the lack of contact with others because air kisses had to suffice, I relished the increase in touch from Craig. Washing, combing my hair, dressing me, and best of all, powdering my butt. His infant parenting skills are superb. Though these are all tactile revelations, the emotional touching is what was most apparent. I have learned these two act as one so equal effort should be put into both in friendship and love.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Am I really a narcissist?
A lot has happened since my last post 8 Jan. After 48 days, my slings were removed. Halleluja! With arms as stiff as boards and armpits itching like mad -no movement / no air- I delved into my physical therapy with great fervor. After 2 weeks I can raise my arms forward almost even with my shoulders, can touch my hands in back, and out from my sides about a 18 inches. May take a year to get above my head but the ligaments are loosening daily. Still can't put my bra, coat on. Can't put my hair in a pony tail, very limited by what I can lift, stand on a stepladder to retrieve dishes / cook, CAN shower by myself (need help washing my hair) and I have worn the same 2 pair of pull on pants / zip up sweaters for over 2 months. Life can be simple when necessary or when you choose. I did wear a pair of zip ups last Friday on our first big foray to Vancouver (29 Jan - accident was 29 Nov) and had to ask a gal in a public bathroom to help pull them up and tuck my shirt in. She thought I was nuts and though my story is well rehearsed by now it is always good for some instant sympathy. I don't think I've abused it because it has a certain shock value that people enjoy hearing. For some I know...schadenfruede for others...but that is a later post.
This blog was initially a time distraction (one of the few creative things I could do), a vehicle to share my emotions and an opportunity to update friends. Reactions to my blogging are interesting Some roll their eyes, others ignore, and some have directly accused me (and those who blog) of being narcissistic. It begs asking am I really self indulgent, vain, egocentric - all the nasty pejoratives of narcissim. We throw words around, myself included, without thinking of what is our true intention. We ignore, insult, react, withdraw in conversation several times daily, whether communicating directly or circuitously. All of us certainly have a right to our opinion, however don't we egotistically inflict ourselves on others as well on a regular basis whether blogging or not? We have all been the victims of people who initiate a conversation drawing you in by asking a question about yourself. You respond while you hear their thoughts screaming at you ... Hurry Up, I have to talk about me. Most of us politely listen, some are thinking only of what their next words will be and others silently tolerate the madness. Life is different now because I'm going to call those people out and I hope they do the same with me. I adore those folks who immediately invite you in and ask you all about YOU. Their humility guides me and reminds me how grateful I am they are in my life. Not that I relish the opening to spew forth my latest emotions and adventures, rather, I am reminded of the gift they offer. Sincerity, Humility and Love, and the ability to check my own self at the door.
This blog was initially a time distraction (one of the few creative things I could do), a vehicle to share my emotions and an opportunity to update friends. Reactions to my blogging are interesting Some roll their eyes, others ignore, and some have directly accused me (and those who blog) of being narcissistic. It begs asking am I really self indulgent, vain, egocentric - all the nasty pejoratives of narcissim. We throw words around, myself included, without thinking of what is our true intention. We ignore, insult, react, withdraw in conversation several times daily, whether communicating directly or circuitously. All of us certainly have a right to our opinion, however don't we egotistically inflict ourselves on others as well on a regular basis whether blogging or not? We have all been the victims of people who initiate a conversation drawing you in by asking a question about yourself. You respond while you hear their thoughts screaming at you ... Hurry Up, I have to talk about me. Most of us politely listen, some are thinking only of what their next words will be and others silently tolerate the madness. Life is different now because I'm going to call those people out and I hope they do the same with me. I adore those folks who immediately invite you in and ask you all about YOU. Their humility guides me and reminds me how grateful I am they are in my life. Not that I relish the opening to spew forth my latest emotions and adventures, rather, I am reminded of the gift they offer. Sincerity, Humility and Love, and the ability to check my own self at the door.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Beam me up, Scotty
Life moves along. I wait for my coffee, the shower, meals. TV is boring, books keep me distracted and the internet remains too addictive. It is all a waiting game with the Big Countdown. I'm past the halfway mark and accept the fact I won't be returning to my beloved Pilates for a long time; the majority of movements require your arms so even yoga is out. Muscles are atrophying quickly and I've also accepted I'll just never have Michele Obama arms. I did sign up a personal trainer to maintain lower body strength and have started walking on flat surfaces as much as possible. There is the big buildup to the dreaded lung CT scan and unecessary anxiety rears its ugly head.
CT scans are creepy. My lung CT was done the same day media reported the gross radiographic exposure from one CT (inciting unnecessary cancers from overexposure - further research 29k/72M) and I am now on my 3rd with a 4th likely. The procedure seems benign however when you are inside the machine you are ready to say 'beam me up Scotty' - a revolving scanner rotates around you humming like a whirling dervish. One's vulnerability during ongoing diagnosis diminishes seeking the wisdom of physician's orders, however it all gets down to cost vs. benefit in both $ and health. The shoulder CT eliminated surgery, which has significant health implications especially too many days post injury (1st Dr. error in delay). The lung CT will diagnose cancer, fibrosis or bronchiolitis (the 2 former were negative, amen) and the latter did show inflammation in all lung fields. I'm consulting with a pulmonologist later and this is likely due to the auto immune issue I have, and certainly resolvable. Another amen.
Major debate exists on both the cost of CT machines, reputed to be 30 to 40% more in the US vs. Europe and Asia, and those ordered per capita. Statistics are too easy to quote and I understand there are many variables, yet I do have EXPERIENCE on the healthcare numbers game. More equipment means more tests means more $$$ for business and physicians (if they have a personal investment in scanners/business models). I have nothing against reinvested corporate profit, however when it comes at consumer expense in unnecessary tests increasing ROI that may be unnecessary thus ultimately raising insurance premiums - then I have a problem. You see...you the consumer ultimately pay regardless of how you look at regulation. Because when you are sick, and you don't know how the system works, and somebody tells you a CT scan is necessary (whether it is or not), I GUARANTEE you, you will acquiesce. I did. Our insurance premiums were just raised again for the 6th time in 5 years, with lesser coverage and I have a pre-existing diagnosis. Treasure your health, be thankful for employer sponsored healthcare if you have it, and support health care reform.
CT scans are creepy. My lung CT was done the same day media reported the gross radiographic exposure from one CT (inciting unnecessary cancers from overexposure - further research 29k/72M) and I am now on my 3rd with a 4th likely. The procedure seems benign however when you are inside the machine you are ready to say 'beam me up Scotty' - a revolving scanner rotates around you humming like a whirling dervish. One's vulnerability during ongoing diagnosis diminishes seeking the wisdom of physician's orders, however it all gets down to cost vs. benefit in both $ and health. The shoulder CT eliminated surgery, which has significant health implications especially too many days post injury (1st Dr. error in delay). The lung CT will diagnose cancer, fibrosis or bronchiolitis (the 2 former were negative, amen) and the latter did show inflammation in all lung fields. I'm consulting with a pulmonologist later and this is likely due to the auto immune issue I have, and certainly resolvable. Another amen.
Major debate exists on both the cost of CT machines, reputed to be 30 to 40% more in the US vs. Europe and Asia, and those ordered per capita. Statistics are too easy to quote and I understand there are many variables, yet I do have EXPERIENCE on the healthcare numbers game. More equipment means more tests means more $$$ for business and physicians (if they have a personal investment in scanners/business models). I have nothing against reinvested corporate profit, however when it comes at consumer expense in unnecessary tests increasing ROI that may be unnecessary thus ultimately raising insurance premiums - then I have a problem. You see...you the consumer ultimately pay regardless of how you look at regulation. Because when you are sick, and you don't know how the system works, and somebody tells you a CT scan is necessary (whether it is or not), I GUARANTEE you, you will acquiesce. I did. Our insurance premiums were just raised again for the 6th time in 5 years, with lesser coverage and I have a pre-existing diagnosis. Treasure your health, be thankful for employer sponsored healthcare if you have it, and support health care reform.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Crisis is Opportunity
I returned from San Diego able to move my right forearm - MAJOR accomplishment. I am right handed so eating, wiping, washing is better facilitated. My left upper arm 'stigmata' pain is worsening daily so I'm concerned. My plea to the Orthopedic surgeons office results in a same day appointment only I'll see Rick, the PA-C (see prior post)and once again - here is how medicine efficiently works. An urgent need is responded to immediately, I am radiographed prior to visit, the office runs on time regardless of emergency or volume (think PA's, NP's, licensed nursing staff)there are laptops in the exam rooms where all records and digital films are stored electronically (no paper searching), real time data (symptom) entry. Rick walks in, reviews the prior CT scan, brings up arm x-rays for comparison, evaluates films with me directly, AND, spends more time with me typically then physicians. Not that Dr's don't want to but reality is they are pressed for time and I do not require critical care; ancillary providers also tend to deliver more comprehensive patient education as well they should. I love the guy. Another pragmatist who tells me I will probably be in slings longer (up to 8 weeks) and likely have torn biceps. I get weepy, BUT he give me an order for physical therapy. HOORAY! I start on Jan. 13th. I've also hired a personal trainer to come into my home and hope to get my lower body strength back to pre-injury status. I'm used to this BS by now, Craig and I have a bathing and dressing routine. Can't get mad at him for too long because this is the guy that powders my butt.
When bad things happen to good people it is human nature to ask why. Some see it as a form of spiritual retribution or others as the lay of the cards. People patronize you, give you empty platitudes masquerading as compassion and caring though I'm not rejecting sincere sympathies that are well meaning. Sometimes you just don't need to be told look on the bright side. If you are reading this...get a sense of how the person is doing before quoting scripture if that's your style. However...there is no denying the role introspect plays because you want to negotiate your fate. Often, people return to a religious faith they have abandoned and others make heartfelt or empty promises (whichever way you look at the outcome) to that great spirit in the sky. Regardless, accidents, disease, life threatening events can be cathartic and initiate epiphanies. I also just think shit happens. And when it does, figure out the good and the bad real quick so you can be emotionally and physically nimble if more crap is coming. Retrospect is immediate and prospective lifestyle is promised. So here is where I was going to quote that crisis is opportunity we've all heard about. Per that handy Wikipedia, 'Crisis has four defining events. Specific, unexpected, and non-routine events or series of events that create high levels of uncertainty and threat or perceived threat to an organization's high priority goals. Thus the first three characteristics are that the event is 1. unexpected (i.e., a surprise), 2. creates uncertainty, and 3. is seen as a threat to important goals. Venette[2] argues that "crisis is a process of transformation where the old system can no longer be maintained." Therefore the fourth defining quality is the need for change. If change is not needed, the event could more accurately be described as a failure.' If you look at the the Crisis page there is actually a direct request by Wiki founder Jimmy Wales to understand the meaning, and for goodness sakes, please don't misuse the oft repeated 'crisis is opportunity', as it has been done by folks ranging from Condoleeza Rice to Al Gore. Ouch! I still agree with the meaning, get the threat, sense the fear and hope for the transformation. But crisis is serious and now I don't even think this measures up. It doesn't mean I'm going to start saying my prayers but it does mean I'm going to change my life. Besides, isn't living a life of integrity equal to praying for one?
When bad things happen to good people it is human nature to ask why. Some see it as a form of spiritual retribution or others as the lay of the cards. People patronize you, give you empty platitudes masquerading as compassion and caring though I'm not rejecting sincere sympathies that are well meaning. Sometimes you just don't need to be told look on the bright side. If you are reading this...get a sense of how the person is doing before quoting scripture if that's your style. However...there is no denying the role introspect plays because you want to negotiate your fate. Often, people return to a religious faith they have abandoned and others make heartfelt or empty promises (whichever way you look at the outcome) to that great spirit in the sky. Regardless, accidents, disease, life threatening events can be cathartic and initiate epiphanies. I also just think shit happens. And when it does, figure out the good and the bad real quick so you can be emotionally and physically nimble if more crap is coming. Retrospect is immediate and prospective lifestyle is promised. So here is where I was going to quote that crisis is opportunity we've all heard about. Per that handy Wikipedia, 'Crisis has four defining events. Specific, unexpected, and non-routine events or series of events that create high levels of uncertainty and threat or perceived threat to an organization's high priority goals. Thus the first three characteristics are that the event is 1. unexpected (i.e., a surprise), 2. creates uncertainty, and 3. is seen as a threat to important goals. Venette[2] argues that "crisis is a process of transformation where the old system can no longer be maintained." Therefore the fourth defining quality is the need for change. If change is not needed, the event could more accurately be described as a failure.' If you look at the the Crisis page there is actually a direct request by Wiki founder Jimmy Wales to understand the meaning, and for goodness sakes, please don't misuse the oft repeated 'crisis is opportunity', as it has been done by folks ranging from Condoleeza Rice to Al Gore. Ouch! I still agree with the meaning, get the threat, sense the fear and hope for the transformation. But crisis is serious and now I don't even think this measures up. It doesn't mean I'm going to start saying my prayers but it does mean I'm going to change my life. Besides, isn't living a life of integrity equal to praying for one?
Thursday, December 31, 2009
San Diego Terrorists
San Diego was relatively benign. I felt crappy most of the time however the beautiful home we stayed in and the 7lb Jack Russel terrier were distractions that kept me out of the pity pot. Not to say those days don't happen because self-pity is an engaging and manipulative tool. The 2 friends who had the dubious babysitting role were required to do bathroom duty, thus reinforcing the true meaning of friends. The worst part of the trip was being in the straitjacket to begin with, then strapped in the seatbelt and driving down the freeway at the legal 65mph and having cars speed and weave past you at 90mph (I am NOT lying - I lived there for 27 years) while talking on their cellphone or worst yet, texting. A Hamster (what we call those who live in Belligham) related that to urban terrorism and how right she is. We saw drivers casually go through red lights, stop signs, cut you off, never let you in, honk if you weren't moving fast enough, give you the finger, and Craig once, a 'fucking useless piece of shit (that is our favorite). All behaviors of the arrogant self-important club whose needs surpass all others. The last few years produced a profusion of articles on our evolving and pervasive American entitlement culture. What is this about? It is certainly an unfair generalization but what is the root cause? Poor Mr. Roger's took the hit there for a while, some relate it to greed, others lack of a religious relationship, for some, a lack of or too much education (you know, the common folk vs. the elitists). All you have to do is read the comment threads on any online news source and yikes, this is a spooky society we live in. So hold on to your horses folks and remember, terrorism is everywhere and not just in the face of a jihadist Islamic bomber.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Simplicity
I don't know. Maintaining a daily post in the heat of crisis allows you to express yourself in the moment, but going back may be irrelevant retrospect. It does soften the memories that I thought would be burnished in my mind forever. I am healing daily so I guess this is the lesson of childbirth that either fortunately or unfortunately I never partook of. Oh...why slings and not casts? The fracture location prohibits casting and the humerus just has to 'hang' for weeks so the fractures align and heal. Obviously no movement can occur or bone rubs against bone. Let me tell you - that is PAINNNNNNN!!! The R fracture is worse, jagged with a tuberosity projecting into my muscle. The L fracture is a clean break but the swelling and bruising is significant. After about 10 days Craig yells 'Stigmata' in the shower - an angel has appeared on my arm. We have a good laugh and take a picture. I later find out the muscle in my arm is probably torn because the pain and bruising escalates for weeks. Oh yes, another tidbit. I may have torn rotator cuffs (require surgery) which is only apparent after therapy. If you can lift your extended arm above your shoulder - you are good. Otherwise it's under the knife I go. By now I am immune to these problems. I did realize early on how insignificant this injury is. There are amputees and quad/paraplegics out there and I know I can rehabilitate, so no wah wah for me. There are good days, whiny days and as long as I don't have to listen to the few egocentric friends that we have who are oblivious to anyone but themselves - I'm good. Question: do I come clean with them?
San Diego. Now I have to worry about that. Being out of the comfort of my surroundings, away from my Dr's., in the traffic that I hate and unwillingness to see friends that I had planned on. I look terrible though Craig has really gotten the hang of my ponytail. I have one outfit that I wear: pull on velour pants and a zip up sweater. Will I ever get into my treasured turtlenecks again? I carry around this little Indonesian woven purse my friend Claudia gifted me years ago that now has more relevance than ever. Lightweight, it carries my drivers license, $5, chapstick, and my phone. And of course the good healthcare professional that I am, all my written health detail / instructions are included and those of course are also in my cellphone (hint).
Tuesday AM (1 day post CT) I get a call from my primary care provider, A Physician's Assistant (PA-C). She is a superb diagnostician and I've been very impressed with her care. The arm CT scan showed interstitial pneumonitis, that will now require a lung CT - scheduled out 3 weeks. I immediately look this up online and link it to the immune system problems I've suffered from the last 4 years - though I'm also an ex-smoker. Freakout #2 goes into high gear as I have had this pleurisy like discomfort for months (in denial) and it never seemed relevant to the rheumatologist that I've seen. I don't want to do too much online research or I'll go into high panic and I don't need this now. FYI, healthcare reform requires increased use of ancillary providers that include PA's, Nurse Practitioners and RN's with advanced degrees. To absorb healthcare costs, increase the level/quality of primary care, and reserve advanced diagnostics to specialists (e.g. board certified) medicine (e.g. the AMA) and the American public needs acceptance of these providers in our society, and financing should be provided to develop their numbers, or we are in a shitload of trouble. Baby Boomers meet Medicare. In all the healthcare debate which I followed closely, there were only snipets of this suggestion. Soapbox #3.
I table this latest problem and deal with The Trip. If I don't watch it my anxiety gets the better of me. I can't focus on packing because there is nothing I need beyond The Outfit, The Purse and The Tennis Shoes. Stupidly I do insist on a few extras that occupy nothing but wasted space. Craig has to schlep 2 bags, his briefcase, my laptop all with aplomb. I am double checked by TSA (arm slings), which I don't care about - they are just doing their job. An older couple following me, who appear educated and well traveled, have one of those steel briefcases that upon inspection, reveals liquids, bottled water, pocket knife etc. The woman feigns ignorance stating she just doesn't know what the rules are anymore, they change so frequently. Her husband, who appears to have some kind of mental deficit, innocently states they hoped these items would go undetected. The brilliant answer by a kind, patient and tested TSA bloke - "Well ma'am, Bellingham just sets the standard for restrictions and you are flying at the highest level of safety possible". Don't you love it.
The trip is without incident though I'm paranoid as hell. People want to stare and think WTF, probably also wonder if I'm a victim of domestic abuse (poor Craig) and in general, look away. We use a wheelchair in San Diego which Craig insists on and make it to the car pick up OK. The day has been long and I force him to drive surface streets the 15 miles to his sisters. I should have taken an Ativan.
San Diego. Now I have to worry about that. Being out of the comfort of my surroundings, away from my Dr's., in the traffic that I hate and unwillingness to see friends that I had planned on. I look terrible though Craig has really gotten the hang of my ponytail. I have one outfit that I wear: pull on velour pants and a zip up sweater. Will I ever get into my treasured turtlenecks again? I carry around this little Indonesian woven purse my friend Claudia gifted me years ago that now has more relevance than ever. Lightweight, it carries my drivers license, $5, chapstick, and my phone. And of course the good healthcare professional that I am, all my written health detail / instructions are included and those of course are also in my cellphone (hint).
Tuesday AM (1 day post CT) I get a call from my primary care provider, A Physician's Assistant (PA-C). She is a superb diagnostician and I've been very impressed with her care. The arm CT scan showed interstitial pneumonitis, that will now require a lung CT - scheduled out 3 weeks. I immediately look this up online and link it to the immune system problems I've suffered from the last 4 years - though I'm also an ex-smoker. Freakout #2 goes into high gear as I have had this pleurisy like discomfort for months (in denial) and it never seemed relevant to the rheumatologist that I've seen. I don't want to do too much online research or I'll go into high panic and I don't need this now. FYI, healthcare reform requires increased use of ancillary providers that include PA's, Nurse Practitioners and RN's with advanced degrees. To absorb healthcare costs, increase the level/quality of primary care, and reserve advanced diagnostics to specialists (e.g. board certified) medicine (e.g. the AMA) and the American public needs acceptance of these providers in our society, and financing should be provided to develop their numbers, or we are in a shitload of trouble. Baby Boomers meet Medicare. In all the healthcare debate which I followed closely, there were only snipets of this suggestion. Soapbox #3.
I table this latest problem and deal with The Trip. If I don't watch it my anxiety gets the better of me. I can't focus on packing because there is nothing I need beyond The Outfit, The Purse and The Tennis Shoes. Stupidly I do insist on a few extras that occupy nothing but wasted space. Craig has to schlep 2 bags, his briefcase, my laptop all with aplomb. I am double checked by TSA (arm slings), which I don't care about - they are just doing their job. An older couple following me, who appear educated and well traveled, have one of those steel briefcases that upon inspection, reveals liquids, bottled water, pocket knife etc. The woman feigns ignorance stating she just doesn't know what the rules are anymore, they change so frequently. Her husband, who appears to have some kind of mental deficit, innocently states they hoped these items would go undetected. The brilliant answer by a kind, patient and tested TSA bloke - "Well ma'am, Bellingham just sets the standard for restrictions and you are flying at the highest level of safety possible". Don't you love it.
The trip is without incident though I'm paranoid as hell. People want to stare and think WTF, probably also wonder if I'm a victim of domestic abuse (poor Craig) and in general, look away. We use a wheelchair in San Diego which Craig insists on and make it to the car pick up OK. The day has been long and I force him to drive surface streets the 15 miles to his sisters. I should have taken an Ativan.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Reality
You can't be a pussy to have this kind of injury. Nor any other life threatening disease, dismemberment, serious loss or life changing event. Those that have understand. One can empathize but please don't say 'I Know' unless you do. I'm writing this at week 4 and can't tell you how many times I've heard these empty patronizing words. Before 'The Fall' I would have been pissed off, however Lesson 57 allows me to simply say without being confrontive, 'no you don't' (unless of course they do). Now, if someone is referring to all the emotions, behavioral changes and see the light perspective because of the aforementioned qualifiers, I will indeed perform the secret handshake. HOWEVER, I will also firmly state here how moved I am by the love and outreach of many friends and am grateful they think of me in this way. They are generally not the ones saying I Know.
So, week 2 Monday I walked into the Orthopedic & Sports Medicine group I was referred to by Craig's former physical therapist. In medicine: only trust the caregiver referrals because they see the outcomes. Remember the classic line by the surgeon...'the patient died but the surgery was a success'. Cremation is not in my plans yet but before anyone slices me open I want a 2nd opinion. Now here is how a Dr's office is supposed to work. The pitiful sight that I now project has it's advantages. Arms in slings, helpless I tell My Story and the receptionist calls in the RN from the backoffice. Relevant here is the fact the medical group is owned by the hospital that is thus subject to government accreditation standards requiring only licensed staff (e.g. LVN, RN not medical assistants calling themselves nurses) perform direct patient care. Oh, that nasty government intervention that calls for standards not typical in independent private practice unless of course they care - which most don't. I am not yet even a patient but she nonethless reviews my xray films online (another standard of care...electronic medical records, that evil Obama is suggesting), talks to the physician I'm hoping to see and actually tells me to return to the office that very afternoon to see him after my CT.
Peace Health Medical Group runs on time. I am seen immediately for my CT by kind and helpful technicians then return to the office for my appointment with Dr. Holstine. He is an osteopath and board certified in his field. He walks in at the scheduled time, has reviewed my films and now reassures me surgery isn't necessary. The reality is I have to keep the splints on 6 weeks maybe more, can't start therapy until then, may have torn rotator cuffs (later requiring surgery)and full recovery is probably 6 months to a year. I like the honest pragmatic approach but now realize we may have to go to San Diego and I have great fear now of being around crowds of people who may jostle me. After arriving home Craig presses me to make a decision because our friends whose home we are house sitting need to make arrangements for their dog. It is just too damned much for me. I'm freaking out and now finally start to sob violently as I absorb the reality of this injury. I see myself capable of doing less and less. In general, I have The Big Freakout. My good friend Arlene consoles me on the phone and talks me through this and Donna my Guru texts me all evening even though she hates texting. I agree to San Diego but man am I pissed. I refuse to talk to Craig the rest of the night, and silence is the only thing I'm capable of.
I am in a straitjacket. It is insufferable if I think about it. I can't scratch an itch. I have to ask to go to the bathroom. I can't eat. Holding a book is too heavy. I can't put gloves on. I'm afraid to drink even though I'm thirsty. I can hold my phone and turn on the TV. You are reading the words of a classic, wildly impatient, almost Type A personality. Our marriage has been shaky this last year from family and financial issues, Aunt Marge just died and I'm still grieving. This emotionally fragile personality who sometimes sits on the precipice of anger realizes I just have to let all this go. Give in. This isn't any feigned 'let go let god' because I am agnostic. But somehow I just gotta see the light. Craig has been so helpful I can't imagine anyone performing these acts of selfless love unless they truly adored you. He doesn't speak much and since the beginning of our marriage I have to beg him to tell me he loves me. But if you know him, he shows his love through his actions. Some in his life have abused this privilege though fortunately I've had the good sense to always acknowledge him for the benevolent man that he is. This is the meaning of marriage. Crisis is the reality.
So, week 2 Monday I walked into the Orthopedic & Sports Medicine group I was referred to by Craig's former physical therapist. In medicine: only trust the caregiver referrals because they see the outcomes. Remember the classic line by the surgeon...'the patient died but the surgery was a success'. Cremation is not in my plans yet but before anyone slices me open I want a 2nd opinion. Now here is how a Dr's office is supposed to work. The pitiful sight that I now project has it's advantages. Arms in slings, helpless I tell My Story and the receptionist calls in the RN from the backoffice. Relevant here is the fact the medical group is owned by the hospital that is thus subject to government accreditation standards requiring only licensed staff (e.g. LVN, RN not medical assistants calling themselves nurses) perform direct patient care. Oh, that nasty government intervention that calls for standards not typical in independent private practice unless of course they care - which most don't. I am not yet even a patient but she nonethless reviews my xray films online (another standard of care...electronic medical records, that evil Obama is suggesting), talks to the physician I'm hoping to see and actually tells me to return to the office that very afternoon to see him after my CT.
Peace Health Medical Group runs on time. I am seen immediately for my CT by kind and helpful technicians then return to the office for my appointment with Dr. Holstine. He is an osteopath and board certified in his field. He walks in at the scheduled time, has reviewed my films and now reassures me surgery isn't necessary. The reality is I have to keep the splints on 6 weeks maybe more, can't start therapy until then, may have torn rotator cuffs (later requiring surgery)and full recovery is probably 6 months to a year. I like the honest pragmatic approach but now realize we may have to go to San Diego and I have great fear now of being around crowds of people who may jostle me. After arriving home Craig presses me to make a decision because our friends whose home we are house sitting need to make arrangements for their dog. It is just too damned much for me. I'm freaking out and now finally start to sob violently as I absorb the reality of this injury. I see myself capable of doing less and less. In general, I have The Big Freakout. My good friend Arlene consoles me on the phone and talks me through this and Donna my Guru texts me all evening even though she hates texting. I agree to San Diego but man am I pissed. I refuse to talk to Craig the rest of the night, and silence is the only thing I'm capable of.
I am in a straitjacket. It is insufferable if I think about it. I can't scratch an itch. I have to ask to go to the bathroom. I can't eat. Holding a book is too heavy. I can't put gloves on. I'm afraid to drink even though I'm thirsty. I can hold my phone and turn on the TV. You are reading the words of a classic, wildly impatient, almost Type A personality. Our marriage has been shaky this last year from family and financial issues, Aunt Marge just died and I'm still grieving. This emotionally fragile personality who sometimes sits on the precipice of anger realizes I just have to let all this go. Give in. This isn't any feigned 'let go let god' because I am agnostic. But somehow I just gotta see the light. Craig has been so helpful I can't imagine anyone performing these acts of selfless love unless they truly adored you. He doesn't speak much and since the beginning of our marriage I have to beg him to tell me he loves me. But if you know him, he shows his love through his actions. Some in his life have abused this privilege though fortunately I've had the good sense to always acknowledge him for the benevolent man that he is. This is the meaning of marriage. Crisis is the reality.
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