Reality

You can't be a pussy to have this kind of injury. Nor any other life threatening disease, dismemberment, serious loss or life changing event. Those that have understand. One can empathize but please don't say 'I Know' unless you do. I'm writing this at week 4 and can't tell you how many times I've heard these empty patronizing words. Before 'The Fall' I would have been pissed off, however Lesson 57 allows me to simply say without being confrontive, 'no you don't' (unless of course they do). Now, if someone is referring to all the emotions, behavioral changes and see the light perspective because of the aforementioned qualifiers, I will indeed perform the secret handshake. HOWEVER, I will also firmly state here how moved I am by the love and outreach of many friends and am grateful they think of me in this way. They are generally not the ones saying I Know.

So, week 2 Monday I walked into the Orthopedic & Sports Medicine group I was referred to by Craig's former physical therapist. In medicine: only trust the caregiver referrals because they see the outcomes. Remember the classic line by the surgeon...'the patient died but the surgery was a success'. Cremation is not in my plans yet but before anyone slices me open I want a 2nd opinion. Now here is how a Dr's office is supposed to work. The pitiful sight that I now project has it's advantages. Arms in slings, helpless I tell My Story and the receptionist calls in the RN from the backoffice. Relevant here is the fact the medical group is owned by the hospital that is thus subject to government accreditation standards requiring only licensed staff (e.g. LVN, RN not medical assistants calling themselves nurses) perform direct patient care. Oh, that nasty government intervention that calls for standards not typical in independent private practice unless of course they care - which most don't. I am not yet even a patient but she nonethless reviews my xray films online (another standard of care...electronic medical records, that evil Obama is suggesting), talks to the physician I'm hoping to see and actually tells me to return to the office that very afternoon to see him after my CT.

Peace Health Medical Group runs on time. I am seen immediately for my CT by kind and helpful technicians then return to the office for my appointment with Dr. Holstine. He is an osteopath and board certified in his field. He walks in at the scheduled time, has reviewed my films and now reassures me surgery isn't necessary. The reality is I have to keep the splints on 6 weeks maybe more, can't start therapy until then, may have torn rotator cuffs (later requiring surgery)and full recovery is probably 6 months to a year. I like the honest pragmatic approach but now realize we may have to go to San Diego and I have great fear now of being around crowds of people who may jostle me. After arriving home Craig presses me to make a decision because our friends whose home we are house sitting need to make arrangements for their dog. It is just too damned much for me. I'm freaking out and now finally start to sob violently as I absorb the reality of this injury. I see myself capable of doing less and less. In general, I have The Big Freakout. My good friend Arlene consoles me on the phone and talks me through this and Donna my Guru texts me all evening even though she hates texting. I agree to San Diego but man am I pissed. I refuse to talk to Craig the rest of the night, and silence is the only thing I'm capable of.

I am in a straitjacket. It is insufferable if I think about it. I can't scratch an itch. I have to ask to go to the bathroom. I can't eat. Holding a book is too heavy. I can't put gloves on. I'm afraid to drink even though I'm thirsty. I can hold my phone and turn on the TV. You are reading the words of a classic, wildly impatient, almost Type A personality. Our marriage has been shaky this last year from family and financial issues, Aunt Marge just died and I'm still grieving. This emotionally fragile personality who sometimes sits on the precipice of anger realizes I just have to let all this go. Give in. This isn't any feigned 'let go let god' because I am agnostic. But somehow I just gotta see the light. Craig has been so helpful I can't imagine anyone performing these acts of selfless love unless they truly adored you. He doesn't speak much and since the beginning of our marriage I have to beg him to tell me he loves me. But if you know him, he shows his love through his actions. Some in his life have abused this privilege though fortunately I've had the good sense to always acknowledge him for the benevolent man that he is. This is the meaning of marriage. Crisis is the reality.