Clearly I'm improved if the last time I posted was 3 Feb.10. The lingering limitations that will take a year to resolve remain odd. Though my home daily therapy takes about an hour, I feel like I am at a standstill though forge ahead. I DID put a pullover on last week so I'm back to my turtlenecks. Started back to the gym today for first time since 25 Nov. 09 - and there are many Pilates moves that are arm dependent so I'll have to develop alternate positions. I am walking the hills in Sudden Valley to regain endurance but fatigue and immune system remain big issues. I am sick of going to the Dr. but really live each day as though it was my first.
I ponder daily on the lessons I've learned and written about in these posts. Patience, humility, reliance on others, friendship, love. I am able to catch myself slipping, which generally revolves around patience or judgement. If you are in a committed relationship, the fact is it all boils down to the 2 of you. The outreach (and lack of!) from friends and family to support both me and Craig has been interesting.
My amazement at the support and love Craig has given me does not diminish. I am a touchy / feely kind of person, always 'whacking' people in the arms for emphasis during conversation, hugging when I greet, kissing those who allow. With this injury, everyone is afraid to touch you. While I suffered at the lack of contact with others because air kisses had to suffice, I relished the increase in touch from Craig. Washing, combing my hair, dressing me, and best of all, powdering my butt. His infant parenting skills are superb. Though these are all tactile revelations, the emotional touching is what was most apparent. I have learned these two act as one so equal effort should be put into both in friendship and love.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Am I really a narcissist?
A lot has happened since my last post 8 Jan. After 48 days, my slings were removed. Halleluja! With arms as stiff as boards and armpits itching like mad -no movement / no air- I delved into my physical therapy with great fervor. After 2 weeks I can raise my arms forward almost even with my shoulders, can touch my hands in back, and out from my sides about a 18 inches. May take a year to get above my head but the ligaments are loosening daily. Still can't put my bra, coat on. Can't put my hair in a pony tail, very limited by what I can lift, stand on a stepladder to retrieve dishes / cook, CAN shower by myself (need help washing my hair) and I have worn the same 2 pair of pull on pants / zip up sweaters for over 2 months. Life can be simple when necessary or when you choose. I did wear a pair of zip ups last Friday on our first big foray to Vancouver (29 Jan - accident was 29 Nov) and had to ask a gal in a public bathroom to help pull them up and tuck my shirt in. She thought I was nuts and though my story is well rehearsed by now it is always good for some instant sympathy. I don't think I've abused it because it has a certain shock value that people enjoy hearing. For some I know...schadenfruede for others...but that is a later post.
This blog was initially a time distraction (one of the few creative things I could do), a vehicle to share my emotions and an opportunity to update friends. Reactions to my blogging are interesting Some roll their eyes, others ignore, and some have directly accused me (and those who blog) of being narcissistic. It begs asking am I really self indulgent, vain, egocentric - all the nasty pejoratives of narcissim. We throw words around, myself included, without thinking of what is our true intention. We ignore, insult, react, withdraw in conversation several times daily, whether communicating directly or circuitously. All of us certainly have a right to our opinion, however don't we egotistically inflict ourselves on others as well on a regular basis whether blogging or not? We have all been the victims of people who initiate a conversation drawing you in by asking a question about yourself. You respond while you hear their thoughts screaming at you ... Hurry Up, I have to talk about me. Most of us politely listen, some are thinking only of what their next words will be and others silently tolerate the madness. Life is different now because I'm going to call those people out and I hope they do the same with me. I adore those folks who immediately invite you in and ask you all about YOU. Their humility guides me and reminds me how grateful I am they are in my life. Not that I relish the opening to spew forth my latest emotions and adventures, rather, I am reminded of the gift they offer. Sincerity, Humility and Love, and the ability to check my own self at the door.
This blog was initially a time distraction (one of the few creative things I could do), a vehicle to share my emotions and an opportunity to update friends. Reactions to my blogging are interesting Some roll their eyes, others ignore, and some have directly accused me (and those who blog) of being narcissistic. It begs asking am I really self indulgent, vain, egocentric - all the nasty pejoratives of narcissim. We throw words around, myself included, without thinking of what is our true intention. We ignore, insult, react, withdraw in conversation several times daily, whether communicating directly or circuitously. All of us certainly have a right to our opinion, however don't we egotistically inflict ourselves on others as well on a regular basis whether blogging or not? We have all been the victims of people who initiate a conversation drawing you in by asking a question about yourself. You respond while you hear their thoughts screaming at you ... Hurry Up, I have to talk about me. Most of us politely listen, some are thinking only of what their next words will be and others silently tolerate the madness. Life is different now because I'm going to call those people out and I hope they do the same with me. I adore those folks who immediately invite you in and ask you all about YOU. Their humility guides me and reminds me how grateful I am they are in my life. Not that I relish the opening to spew forth my latest emotions and adventures, rather, I am reminded of the gift they offer. Sincerity, Humility and Love, and the ability to check my own self at the door.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Beam me up, Scotty
Life moves along. I wait for my coffee, the shower, meals. TV is boring, books keep me distracted and the internet remains too addictive. It is all a waiting game with the Big Countdown. I'm past the halfway mark and accept the fact I won't be returning to my beloved Pilates for a long time; the majority of movements require your arms so even yoga is out. Muscles are atrophying quickly and I've also accepted I'll just never have Michele Obama arms. I did sign up a personal trainer to maintain lower body strength and have started walking on flat surfaces as much as possible. There is the big buildup to the dreaded lung CT scan and unecessary anxiety rears its ugly head.
CT scans are creepy. My lung CT was done the same day media reported the gross radiographic exposure from one CT (inciting unnecessary cancers from overexposure - further research 29k/72M) and I am now on my 3rd with a 4th likely. The procedure seems benign however when you are inside the machine you are ready to say 'beam me up Scotty' - a revolving scanner rotates around you humming like a whirling dervish. One's vulnerability during ongoing diagnosis diminishes seeking the wisdom of physician's orders, however it all gets down to cost vs. benefit in both $ and health. The shoulder CT eliminated surgery, which has significant health implications especially too many days post injury (1st Dr. error in delay). The lung CT will diagnose cancer, fibrosis or bronchiolitis (the 2 former were negative, amen) and the latter did show inflammation in all lung fields. I'm consulting with a pulmonologist later and this is likely due to the auto immune issue I have, and certainly resolvable. Another amen.
Major debate exists on both the cost of CT machines, reputed to be 30 to 40% more in the US vs. Europe and Asia, and those ordered per capita. Statistics are too easy to quote and I understand there are many variables, yet I do have EXPERIENCE on the healthcare numbers game. More equipment means more tests means more $$$ for business and physicians (if they have a personal investment in scanners/business models). I have nothing against reinvested corporate profit, however when it comes at consumer expense in unnecessary tests increasing ROI that may be unnecessary thus ultimately raising insurance premiums - then I have a problem. You see...you the consumer ultimately pay regardless of how you look at regulation. Because when you are sick, and you don't know how the system works, and somebody tells you a CT scan is necessary (whether it is or not), I GUARANTEE you, you will acquiesce. I did. Our insurance premiums were just raised again for the 6th time in 5 years, with lesser coverage and I have a pre-existing diagnosis. Treasure your health, be thankful for employer sponsored healthcare if you have it, and support health care reform.
CT scans are creepy. My lung CT was done the same day media reported the gross radiographic exposure from one CT (inciting unnecessary cancers from overexposure - further research 29k/72M) and I am now on my 3rd with a 4th likely. The procedure seems benign however when you are inside the machine you are ready to say 'beam me up Scotty' - a revolving scanner rotates around you humming like a whirling dervish. One's vulnerability during ongoing diagnosis diminishes seeking the wisdom of physician's orders, however it all gets down to cost vs. benefit in both $ and health. The shoulder CT eliminated surgery, which has significant health implications especially too many days post injury (1st Dr. error in delay). The lung CT will diagnose cancer, fibrosis or bronchiolitis (the 2 former were negative, amen) and the latter did show inflammation in all lung fields. I'm consulting with a pulmonologist later and this is likely due to the auto immune issue I have, and certainly resolvable. Another amen.
Major debate exists on both the cost of CT machines, reputed to be 30 to 40% more in the US vs. Europe and Asia, and those ordered per capita. Statistics are too easy to quote and I understand there are many variables, yet I do have EXPERIENCE on the healthcare numbers game. More equipment means more tests means more $$$ for business and physicians (if they have a personal investment in scanners/business models). I have nothing against reinvested corporate profit, however when it comes at consumer expense in unnecessary tests increasing ROI that may be unnecessary thus ultimately raising insurance premiums - then I have a problem. You see...you the consumer ultimately pay regardless of how you look at regulation. Because when you are sick, and you don't know how the system works, and somebody tells you a CT scan is necessary (whether it is or not), I GUARANTEE you, you will acquiesce. I did. Our insurance premiums were just raised again for the 6th time in 5 years, with lesser coverage and I have a pre-existing diagnosis. Treasure your health, be thankful for employer sponsored healthcare if you have it, and support health care reform.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Crisis is Opportunity
I returned from San Diego able to move my right forearm - MAJOR accomplishment. I am right handed so eating, wiping, washing is better facilitated. My left upper arm 'stigmata' pain is worsening daily so I'm concerned. My plea to the Orthopedic surgeons office results in a same day appointment only I'll see Rick, the PA-C (see prior post)and once again - here is how medicine efficiently works. An urgent need is responded to immediately, I am radiographed prior to visit, the office runs on time regardless of emergency or volume (think PA's, NP's, licensed nursing staff)there are laptops in the exam rooms where all records and digital films are stored electronically (no paper searching), real time data (symptom) entry. Rick walks in, reviews the prior CT scan, brings up arm x-rays for comparison, evaluates films with me directly, AND, spends more time with me typically then physicians. Not that Dr's don't want to but reality is they are pressed for time and I do not require critical care; ancillary providers also tend to deliver more comprehensive patient education as well they should. I love the guy. Another pragmatist who tells me I will probably be in slings longer (up to 8 weeks) and likely have torn biceps. I get weepy, BUT he give me an order for physical therapy. HOORAY! I start on Jan. 13th. I've also hired a personal trainer to come into my home and hope to get my lower body strength back to pre-injury status. I'm used to this BS by now, Craig and I have a bathing and dressing routine. Can't get mad at him for too long because this is the guy that powders my butt.
When bad things happen to good people it is human nature to ask why. Some see it as a form of spiritual retribution or others as the lay of the cards. People patronize you, give you empty platitudes masquerading as compassion and caring though I'm not rejecting sincere sympathies that are well meaning. Sometimes you just don't need to be told look on the bright side. If you are reading this...get a sense of how the person is doing before quoting scripture if that's your style. However...there is no denying the role introspect plays because you want to negotiate your fate. Often, people return to a religious faith they have abandoned and others make heartfelt or empty promises (whichever way you look at the outcome) to that great spirit in the sky. Regardless, accidents, disease, life threatening events can be cathartic and initiate epiphanies. I also just think shit happens. And when it does, figure out the good and the bad real quick so you can be emotionally and physically nimble if more crap is coming. Retrospect is immediate and prospective lifestyle is promised. So here is where I was going to quote that crisis is opportunity we've all heard about. Per that handy Wikipedia, 'Crisis has four defining events. Specific, unexpected, and non-routine events or series of events that create high levels of uncertainty and threat or perceived threat to an organization's high priority goals. Thus the first three characteristics are that the event is 1. unexpected (i.e., a surprise), 2. creates uncertainty, and 3. is seen as a threat to important goals. Venette[2] argues that "crisis is a process of transformation where the old system can no longer be maintained." Therefore the fourth defining quality is the need for change. If change is not needed, the event could more accurately be described as a failure.' If you look at the the Crisis page there is actually a direct request by Wiki founder Jimmy Wales to understand the meaning, and for goodness sakes, please don't misuse the oft repeated 'crisis is opportunity', as it has been done by folks ranging from Condoleeza Rice to Al Gore. Ouch! I still agree with the meaning, get the threat, sense the fear and hope for the transformation. But crisis is serious and now I don't even think this measures up. It doesn't mean I'm going to start saying my prayers but it does mean I'm going to change my life. Besides, isn't living a life of integrity equal to praying for one?
When bad things happen to good people it is human nature to ask why. Some see it as a form of spiritual retribution or others as the lay of the cards. People patronize you, give you empty platitudes masquerading as compassion and caring though I'm not rejecting sincere sympathies that are well meaning. Sometimes you just don't need to be told look on the bright side. If you are reading this...get a sense of how the person is doing before quoting scripture if that's your style. However...there is no denying the role introspect plays because you want to negotiate your fate. Often, people return to a religious faith they have abandoned and others make heartfelt or empty promises (whichever way you look at the outcome) to that great spirit in the sky. Regardless, accidents, disease, life threatening events can be cathartic and initiate epiphanies. I also just think shit happens. And when it does, figure out the good and the bad real quick so you can be emotionally and physically nimble if more crap is coming. Retrospect is immediate and prospective lifestyle is promised. So here is where I was going to quote that crisis is opportunity we've all heard about. Per that handy Wikipedia, 'Crisis has four defining events. Specific, unexpected, and non-routine events or series of events that create high levels of uncertainty and threat or perceived threat to an organization's high priority goals. Thus the first three characteristics are that the event is 1. unexpected (i.e., a surprise), 2. creates uncertainty, and 3. is seen as a threat to important goals. Venette[2] argues that "crisis is a process of transformation where the old system can no longer be maintained." Therefore the fourth defining quality is the need for change. If change is not needed, the event could more accurately be described as a failure.' If you look at the the Crisis page there is actually a direct request by Wiki founder Jimmy Wales to understand the meaning, and for goodness sakes, please don't misuse the oft repeated 'crisis is opportunity', as it has been done by folks ranging from Condoleeza Rice to Al Gore. Ouch! I still agree with the meaning, get the threat, sense the fear and hope for the transformation. But crisis is serious and now I don't even think this measures up. It doesn't mean I'm going to start saying my prayers but it does mean I'm going to change my life. Besides, isn't living a life of integrity equal to praying for one?
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